Updated: Oct 7, 2021
I recently have been working with Tracey (that's not her real name due to client confidentiality). She had been married for 23 years and separated for the last 3 years.
She had completely trusted her ex and they had 2 children together. Tracey thought he was an honest guy and would have never doubted him. He told her he kept gambling because he just wanted to win enough to go on a cruise that they had planned and pay for their kids to go to University.
Over the years, they had enjoyed a good relationship. They liked each other's company and shared the same life goals. Tracey had met him when she was 30 and had honestly never felt this way about someone.
But over the last 6 years in the marriage, he had been under major stress in a job he hated (which he left), had taken up casual smoking, and their relationship was really, really, suffering from a disconnect. Around the time he left his job, but before he told her about the gambling, he said he'd seen a therapist about twice and he said that it was mostly stress, followed by anxiety and depression. Honestly, Tracey felt like he'd been a bit down for years.
After he told her about the gambling, their relationship got so much better, as Tracey's core value is honesty. She told him he needed to get his life on track. Stop gambling immediately, get a better job, pay off all the debt himself, start exercising again, stop smoking, and part of the deal was he must get support.
He did stop gambling and started paying off the debt, but that was about it. He got himself another job, but it was very basic. He joined the gym again but only went a couple of times. Tracey wished that he would understand it was very important for her to see him take responsibility. All the things she had asked him to do were things he'd expressed he wanted to do… but just couldn't seem to bring himself to do.
Oh and one thing she realised about him was his history of wishing to be "rescued" (money and help) from parents, friends, and colleagues. It reached a point of enough was enough and they separated.
When Tracey came to me, she felt a bit lost and depressed. She had gained weight and did not feel confident. She claimed she felt 'dead' and recognised she was holding herself back.
I shared with her that gambling addiction operates similarly to an addiction to drugs or alcohol. And it is my belief, as well as that of doctors who specialise in addiction and recovery, that it needs to be treated similarly. That means there is no quick fix for this. Additionally, gambling addictions often coexist or morph into other addictions.
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?
She was blocked to accepting that she herself had an addiction. In her case it is sugar. Her ex husband's addiction was being 'mirrored' back to her, to address the addiction within herself. The root core was a program of addiction, sparked in her DNA from her mother's side of the family, going back 2 generations, because of a master program running of helplessness.
There was also a block to trust. Without trust, the relationship was doomed. Trust is one of the cornerstones of any relationship—without it, two people cannot be comfortable with each other and the relationship will lack stability.
Tracey's life theme and challenge was security and resources and being in a marriage without security and the resources to pay bills and maintain a good lifestyle, was the nail in the coffin.
In my experience, addicts seek relationships (subconsciously) in which the dynamics allow the addiction to flourish.
There is something broken there. That is not to blame Tracey. All of this was playing out in reality without consciously understanding why.
Working together, in the Fearlessly Moving Forwards Method, Tracey rebuilt her confidence, self esteem, self love, self belief and self respect and is now in a totally different place. The vibe she now emits is not the same low vibe she was at when we first spoke. And she knows that having had her Akashic Records cleared of all the programs running on her hard drive (subconscious), she will no longer attract an addict. Having dealt with all the uncomfortable emotions, she had been feeling before working with me, she was amazed to have dropped the weight off too!