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What you can do if you were raised by a narcissistic mum

I am blessed to still have my Mum, at the grand age of 92, but I am very mindful that many of you reading this may have not have your mum’s any more.  Or indeed may not have a positive relationship with them.  I have been working with clients lately who have had issues that they didn’t connect consciously, with their Mum initially, but who (after research) was the core root of their “stuff”,causing negative feelings like shame, sadness, guilt and anger, resulting in a block to success and abundance in their life.

In my work there is no judgement.  Just conscious understanding and learning tools to deal with life.

They had experience of a narcissistic mum and perhaps you have had this experience too.

Typically this means, a narcissistic mum is exclusively and possessively close to their children and may be especially envious of, and threatened by, their child’s growing independence. An abusive, narcissistic mother sets up her daughters and sons for inevitable danger due to the nature of her disorder. Her insatiable need for control, excessive sense of entitlement, stunning lack of empathy, tendency towards interpersonal exploitation and constant need for attention overrides the welfare of her children (McBride, 2013).

If you have had a narcissistic mum, here are some tips:-

  1. First, you have to grieve the loss of the parent you never had. Really grieve the fact that you didn’t get the parent you needed, the one who put you and your needs first. Part of that requires releasing the fantasy that your narcissistic parent can change and eventually give you what you need. They can evolve and grow, but they may never evolve enough to meet your deepest needs. Therefore, managing expectations is key, particularly when you see glimpses of the healthy parent you wish you had had, but in fact those glimpses are often not sustainable. Accept that your parent was limited—and could not give you unconditional love or even deep empathy because she could not get past herself to truly see you. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, the anger and the sadness. Emotion has the word motion in it; allow your emotions to move through you. You might not have lost your parent to death, but you lost what could have been—you lost an opportunity to be truly mothered—and that is really a profound loss. Accepting this, rather than denying it, is the first step in opening your heart to healing.

  1. You are going to need to discover boundaries—where you begin and your parents end—to free your authentic self. When you choose who you want to be, rather than who your parents wanted you to be, you break free from their narcissistic grip. Tolerate their discomfort, even if they make a lot of noise. You are not misbehaving, rebelling, or rejecting them. You are being you, the real you—maybe for the first time. This is the first part of breaking the cycle. Next, you don’t want to repeat/generalise the relationship that you had with your narcissistic parent to your co-workers, partner, or friends. Realise where you are meeting the needs of other narcissists in your life, real or imagined.

  1. Sometimes children of narcissists assume that every person they’re close to will need the same kind of hyper-attention and appeasement that their parent did—and unconsciously begin doing mental back bends to please others. At times you may be tapping into the expectations of a narcissistic partner, and unconsciously playing that familiar role. At other times you may be making erroneous assumptions about what someone important to you really needs—perhaps they don’t want you to mirror their opinions or they don’t need you to sugarcoat your real feelings or soften constructive criticism. Breathe, pause, give yourself some space.  Try just being honest, try not to rush in and take care of their feelings. If being different from your loved one feels uncomfortable—or if you feel you’re risking love with that stance—just notice it. Watch how much stronger your bond is than what you secretly imagined it to be. This is the gift of evolving past the scene of the original crime—your own childhood. Surviving childhood meant taking care of the narcissist and swallowing your feelings. But now as an adult you can begin to surround yourself with people that you feel safe and at home with—like soul mate girl/boy friends—who know and love the real you, and this can be deeply transformative.

Children of narcissistic parents often wonder if they are really loveable. You are! Start loving and caring for yourself in ways that you wished your mum had loved and cared for you. Start paying attention to what really matters to you; what makes you feel alive and moments when you feel authentically you. Maybe you will need help mothering yourself. Let’s celebrate the real you. And once you have learned to mother yourself, you will be able to ‘mother’ your children.

Your journey is to love your children for their true, glorious, separate, authentic selves—and to give them what you may have not gotten enough of. It will not only be beneficial to them, it can be quite healing for you. You will grow and evolve enough to ask yourself, in difficult situations:

“Is my reaction more about my child’s feelings or my own?

What does he or she need right now?”

This will prevent you from reacting with anger or withdrawing love, as your parent may have done to you. You are now a cycle breaker.

Conscious, mindful parenting is the ultimate in damage control. When you get your ego out of the game, you can step back enough to see the soul of your children. Just nurture that, and watch them soar.

If you wish to discover the root cause of your problems and clear them in your Soul (Akashic) Records, book a Breakthrough Clarity Conversation with me today. The therapy clearing can be done virtually, for anyone, living anywhere and sent via email, followed by a chat to answer any questions.

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